by Tom Morrow

Here’s a few answers from an essay-style sixth-grade test:
“Noah’s wife was Joan of Ark.” “Middle Eastern history was written by Florence of Arabia.” “The Soviets erected the Berlin Mall.” “Plato invented reality. He was teacher to Harris Tottle, author of The Republicans.” “Germany’s William II had a chimp on his shoulder and had to ride his horse with only one hand.”
And, in case you never knew how World War II began, “The Germans took the by-pass around France’s Marginal Line. This was known as the ‘Blintz Krieg.'”
Using convolution in political science is always impressive: “Corruption grew especially ripe in Zaire, where Mobutu was known to indulge in more than an occasional little armadillo. The plurious of wealth was therefore uneven. The rural populous was reduced to tenement farming.”
These students understand time and geographic compression:
“The Boston Tea Party was held at Pearl Harbor.” “Americans wanted no involvement in the French and Indian War because they did not want to fight in India.” “Moses was told by Jesus Christ to lead the people out of Egypt into the Sahaira Desert. The Book of Exodus describes this trip, including the Ten Commandments, various special effects and the building of the Suez Canal.”
If you can’t dazzle the teacher with brilliance, try the opposite approach:
“Zorroastrologism was founded by Zorro. This was a duelist religion.” “During the Dark Ages it was mostly dark.” “Christianity was just another mystery cult until Jesus was born. The mother of Jesus was Mary, who was different from other women because of her immaculate contraption.” “The fall of empires has been a good thing, because it gives more people a chance to exploit their own people without outside interference.”
And, as we all learned early on, if you really don’t know the answer to a test question, just write something smart-sounding:
“History is nothing more than the behind of the present. This gives incites from the anals of the past.” “The British Empire is in a state of recline. Its colonies have slowly dribbled away leaving only the odd speck on the map.” “Civil rights leader Martin Luther Junior was slain in the 1960s, shortly after making his famous ‘If I Had A Hammer’ speech.” “World War II began turning around when the Allies landed near Italy’s toe and gradually advanced up her leg.”
And finally, “Hitler shot himself in the bonker.”
ALL TRUISMS — Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really just a form of floor play.
The late Neil Mars: “The wonderful institution of marriage sure is suffering from lack of commitment. People don’t ‘tie the knot’ like they used to do. Nowadays, many couples just use Velcro.”

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E-mail Tom Morrow at: quotetaker1939@gmail.com